When I get on my soapbox and start preaching the gospel of Oxycise, I am 100% aware that I sound like a raving lunatic. Heck, it took me 2 years of constant prodding from a friend (whom I totally trust) before I finally tried this silly thing. So if you’re skeptical, I totally get it. Because I was the same way. (And I still feel a bit skeptical when I think about it. But I cannot deny my results.)
So here are 10 reasons your brain is likely telling you not to try Oxycise:
- It sounds like a scam. We’ve all been there. The diets, the workouts, the pills, the praying, the crying, the cursing, the anger, the despair. The exercise industry is a veritable den of thieves that makes a killing by pimping the false promise that “you, too, can look like this 18-year-old model who is genetically thin and likely feels guilty after gorging on air and iceberg lettuce.” I fully acknowledge that this totally comes off as one of “those” types of programs. Take my word for it, it’s not.
- It looks ridiculous. No way to get around this one. It really, really, really, REALLY looks ridiculous. (Really.) I mean, let’s be honest here. The way this program is put together (no offense to Jill and Aubrey Lee) it’s in the same arena as Prancercise and Body Flex face workout. (These are also both real exercise programs…). Even the very name makes me cringe! O-X-Y-C-I-S-E. How can that possibly not be a scam?!!! You’re going to be embarrassed to tell your friends the name of your new workout program. It’s that bad.
Ok. We got that out of the way. If you do this program, you’re going to look silly. This is not a sexy Zumba class or tough P-90X program. Your kids will laugh at you. So will your friends and significant other. But it’s not as humiliating as going to the store to buy a bigger pant size… trust me. So tell your pride and everyone else to stuff it. Results are results.
- The website is terrible. I know a fair bit about internet marketing, so sometimes I can be a bit snobbish about what a “good” website looks like (and please don’t judge this site…I fully admit it’s the cobbler’s child and horribly neglected. CPS would have carted it off long ago if it were one of my kids.) But the Oxycise website takes the cake, the eclairs, and the whole damn bakery. It is terrible and makes it feel even more like a scam (see reason #1).
- It’s not sexy. When I said you’re going to look and feel silly, I really meant it. Marathons and P90X and Beach Body and personal trainers and cross-fit programs are soooooooooo much sexier! In these other programs, no one is wearing leotards. You will not see a single pair of leg warmers. If there is a sweatband, it’s actually catching sweat (you know, from busting ass so hard your pores drip the stuff like a monsoon in a rain forest) and not containing the popular 90s poodle-hair poof.
Cleaning toilets is not sexy. Wiping kids’ noses is not sexy. We do a lot of things that just aren’t sexy. At least Oxycise doesn’t involve rubber gloves, bleach and other human bodily fluids. So, if you’re looking for sexy, you’re not going to find it until AFTER you start Oxycising. And then when someone tells you “You are what you eat,” you can respond without batting an eye, “That’s funny, I don’t remember eating a sexy beast for breakfast.” (BAM!)
- It feels like cheating. If you’re a rule-follower, this is going to drive you nuts. Even if you throw rules to the wind like me (never play Monopoly with me), it’s going to feel like you’re cheating. Let’s look at what happens when marketing meets consumer behavior and expectations.
The real reason you brush your teeth in the morning is for that clean tingling feeling (that’s an added abrasive agent that is intentionally there to irritate your mouth to create that “clean feel”). You likely won’t use a shampoo that doesn’t lather, because it must not be working if your head isn’t covered in bubbles (even though the chemicals they add to create the foam are really not very good for you). It just doesn’t feel like it’s working without the bubbles or the tingle. Toothpaste and shampoo work just as well without the bubbles and tingle. It’s a marketing thing. Oxycise will work too, even though it totally feels like cheating.
- It sounds too easy. 17 minutes a day? Honestly, how in the hell does that work?! And then, when you learn more about it, you will find out that you do not have to do your workout in 17 consecutive minutes. What about reaching peak fat burning heart rates and 60, 90, 120 minute cardio workouts to burn that fat?!! What about that, huh?! We constantly hear “if you want big results, you have to work hard” and other variations of that discouraging mantra.
- There are no pills or supplements to take. None. Sure, multivitamins are a good idea in general because we generally suck at getting all the nutrients we need from our food. But you don’t need protein shakes or powders or other weird things.
- You don’t have to be on a super-strict diet. Again, eating healthy is a good idea. Garbage-in garbage-out is generally true. Moderation is a good rule of thumb. But I suck at diets. I suck at deprivation. I suck at going through life and not eating yummy things or feeling obsessed and depressed when I do indulge.
And honestly? I am super suspicious of people who actually count calories… I don’t have patience for that. When I first started I made no changes to my diet because I knew I would fail (and I’d already had enough failure). I just did the Oxycise and started drinking more water. After a month or so, I started not wanting to eat so much and didn’t eat as much junk. I still did (and do) eat pizza and do the occasional PMS shark week give-me-Dr.-Pepper-and-Twix-and-no-one-gets-hurt binges. I still indulge in an evening with Ben and Jerry’s for comfort after a bad day.
- You don’t hurt afterward. You will be able to walk up stairs, sit down on the toilet, bend down to tie your shoes (and stand back up) without massive amounts of painful muscles. Even when you totally kick your own ass (yes, this is possible just by breathing and squeezing – see reason #5). You may get a little bit stiff, but not wince-in-pain, can’t move, someone please get me a wheel chair, kind of stiff. AND – if you are a real animal and want to do your other sexy exercise programs, if you do Oxycise with said sexy program, you will be less stiff. Promise. More oxygen is just good all the way around.
- This only works for “other” people. I’m short. The last time pre-oxycise that I was smaller than a size 8 was in the fifth grade when I hit puberty and hello hips! I gain weight when I workout at the gym. My legs get muscle-y and it makes my pants tighter in the thighs making me feel fatter. I have always weighed more because of the muscle under the fat. The BMI charts have always told me I needed to get losing weight or risk gnarly artery junk and other fun heart disease risks.
The harder I worked out, the more I gained. Heck, even when I kicked bulimia as a teen, I only really lost weight AFTER I stopped the binge-barf game. After kids I really, really thought that this bigger squishier body was the new me and I’d just have to get used to it. I worked a lot on redefining my self-image and struggled with being okay with a belly that hung over my pants when I sat down, with a butt that jiggled when I walked up the stairs, with arms that no longer looked good in tank tops and triceps that would wave a greeting or farewell after I’d stopped moving my hand.
This is the only program that has worked for me. Ever. I’ve never been able to force myself to stick with something for longer than 3 or 4 weeks max. But this works. And it fits my life. I can workout in the car, for hell’s sake. What?!! Yes. I had totally given up hope that anything would work for me. Because nothing else ever did work. I’m so glad I finally tried the darn thing. It’s now a critical part of my daily life (yes, daily–still after years, yes years!).
There is one catch you really do need to know about. Ready for it? Okay: you have to actually do it for it to work. I know. That part really sucks.
In that respect, Oxycise is just like all the other programs. If you don’t do it, it won’t do a damn thing for you. This really does sound like a too-good-to-be-true scam that has to be cheating and won’t work and leave you feeling just as deflated and depressed as everything else you’ve tried.
(Even more than that the fear of it not working, there may be a part of your brain that is afraid that this crazy, geeky thing will actually work. You might feel dumb for busting ass for so long and doing things the hard way and not getting results when it was so easy all along. You may be afraid of what will happen when you do lose weight and reveal the Hottie McHotterson that is already inside you. Maybe you don’t even want to spend money on a wardrobe of skinny clothes, because you’re afraid that these results are just temporary – just like everything else has been – and then you have to do the walk of shame to the “fat pants” part of your closet or dresser and admit defeat yet again. LAME!)
It’s worked for me. It’s worked for my sister. It’s worked for all my friends I’ve managed to convince to try this.
So, those are my 10 reasons. Did I miss any? Let me know.